TRACEY COX speaks to women feeling 'ashamed and unwanted' because their husbands don't want sex - and reveals what to do if it's happening to you

 

TRACEY COX speaks to women feeling 'ashamed and unwanted' because their husbands don't want sex - and reveals what to do if it's happening to you

'I'd sooner admit to an affair than having a husband who doesn't want sex with me.'

It's one of society's big secrets that men's interest in sex has declined significantly over the years.

Around 25 per cent of marriages in the UK and US are now sexless (having sex less than once a month) and the assumption that it's women turning to face the wall is wrong. In the UK, there's been a 40 per cent increase from the previous decade in the number of men claiming to have gone off sex.

There's a complex interplay of psychological, social and health factors contributing to the decline in men's sexual desire. But this doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

While it's 'OK' for a woman to admit it, a man going off sex is still very much not OK. Women feel embarrassed and ashamed when their husband doesn't desire them. It makes them feel unattractive, unloved and unwanted.

Here, three women tell me what it feels like when your husband doesn't want to have sex with you.

'I can't tell my friends the truth about us. What if they told their husbands and mine became a laughing stock?'

Anna, 48, married young and has three children.

We've been together since I was 23 and produced three kids, so no-one's expecting us to be at it like rabbits. But we should be having some sex, surely? I'm not even 50! I still look good, everything is working, my libido is high, the kids are less hassle now. This is when we should be enjoying each other again.

I know what the problem is. My husband is having problems getting and keeping an erection. It started five years ago (he's six years older than me). For the first time ever, he couldn't get it up. I was a bit surprised but only because it hadn't happened before. I know this happens to lots of men as they get older.

He completely freaked out. It was ridiculous. He kept going on and on about it. Why had it happened? What did it mean? What if it happened again? I tried to calm him down and showed him some research online that said it happens to men post 40. But he wouldn't let himself be reassured.

Of course it happened the next time we tried to have sex. And the next and the next. It was bound to! He was so anxious and het up about it. I know a lot about ED (erectile dysfunction) now, enough to know that a lot of impotence is the result of men worrying about what is entirely normal. The rest of them is allowed to age but not the prized penis!

Sex has been a battle since then. I'd tried to convince him you don't need a 'working' penis to make love. I bought sex toys, got him to focus on me to take the pressure off him. I peek to see if he gets a morning erection to check if it's physiological or psychological. (If he's erect when he wakes, it's generally a psychological issue. His is half-mast so I guess it's a combination of both.)

Sex has now stopped completely. We haven't done it for years. The bit that hurts the most is he doesn't bother to ask if I'd like him to pleasure me. Even if he can't enjoy it, he could still give me oral sex and give me an orgasm. Did he ever care about my pleasure? My friends talk about their sex lives and I pretend all is well. If I told the truth about us, I worry they'd tell their husbands and he'd be a laughing stock.

I recently discovered he still watches porn. So I'm pretty sure everything works well enough for him to be able to masturbate to orgasm. This means we could solve this together if he wanted to. I felt sorry for him initially but now I'm starting to feel resentful and angry. If he doesn't want sex with me, maybe I'll find someone else who does.

For more sex advice on how to fix a sexless relationship, visit traceycox.com. You'll find Tracey's sex product range at Lovehoney and her podcast, SexTok, on all podcast platforms.